So I used to be a great parent. Really. When I had two kids, I was. One kid was probably THE easiest kid on the planet. The other was pretty challenging naturally. But we worked together, focused on relationship and them learning self-discipline and all was grand. Really. I didn’t think we had anything that anyone else couldn’t have. It was a choice. I put in a good bit of effort when they were little and reaped what I sowed. I wasn’t living in some fantasy land, I simply had set us up for success. We lived very peacefully.
And I tested this out! I did some parent-coaching. I worked in a childcare center. I had a home daycare. I took in kids to tutor and even teach full time for a period, often for behavioral reasons. Really, I felt I found THE answer.
So when we started fostering, I thought all I had to do was continue that trend. Be firm, consistent, and use good strong positive discipline. Between that being nurturing and meeting needs, I figured that a couple weeks into placements, we’d be successfully peaceful.
Reality is MUCH different. My kids *are* great. And in a short time, they DO know we love them, will meet their needs, and know we’ll be firm and consistent. They know we won’t beat them. They know we’ll help them figure out how to do better next time.
But where my big kids probably got punished once a year (really!), my littles have punishment included more often. So when I was looking through some old posts looking for something, I found the below and thought that the reminders were good for ME. Maybe someone else will find them helpful also. I know that when I’ve coupled empathy and these ideas, I’ve done the best with my kids. And they’ve responded well.
Punishment – usually not related to situation, usually in order to deter that choice in the future or “pay back” for the current situation. It is often something that cannot work by itself. Includes: lecturing, time out, spanking, taking privileges, taking items, grounding, making them do chores, etc.
Natural Consequence – Something that happens naturally. You stand on the chair, you may fall. Some natural consequences are not appropriate (the natural consequence for jumping off a building is plunging to your death so we don’t allow children to jump off skyscrapers). But many natural consequences are very effective. Many of us do dishes immediately after supper because it is easier to scrub wet mess rather than dried on food off plates.
Logical Consequence – related and reasonable. These are things like having a child move to another toy area if he isn’t playing nicely in the original one. A child may well feel punished sometimes. Sometimes parents can turn a logical consequence into a punishment by overdoing it. For example, logically, you would require your child to get up from watching tv in order to finish the chore he was supposed to do an hour ago. Logically, he now misses the end of the show. Taking TV for the rest of the week because of it is punishment.
Built-in Logical Consequence – Thing you build in to teach a value, life lesson, etc. “You may X after you Y” is often a built-in logical consequence. Work before play would be one.
Someone asked: If a kid breaks a rule, what do you do to encourage him not to break it again? Especially if it’s a rule that he has repeatedly broken and doesn’t seem to respect at all?
We all probably get into this thinking especially if it is a behavior we want to disappear NOW or at least SOON. Generally though, we don’t get to control people to that degree. We can try. But…but then:
- we are sweet and want our home to be more peaceful and not include bullying
- it is hard to control people all the time, so
- we get inconsistent, use threats (like, “if you do that again….”), etc
The idea with training kids is not really to get them not to break rules. That should be, in time, a side effect, IMO. Instead, discipline means to teach and guide. It means to give them values, morals, life skills, tools, opportunities to learn and practice self-control, reasoning and problem solving skills, etc. That means, sometimes, we’re going to have mistakes. But the mistakes are opportunities also. See the difference in thinking? One is to get kids to do or not do certain things. The other is to get kids to the point where they can figure out what to do and not do as well as why and how.
In my experience (direct as well as what I see), it is a lot more work at first to discipline children with the long term in mind. However, that work with young children or new children to the family is worth it when your 8, 10, 14, and 19yos are making good choices with little (often asked for) direction.
Key things I do?
First, focus on relationship. I live on the floor with my littles (and I have a lot of littles!). We read, play, build, tickle, pet, rock, hug, kiss, do educational things, etc ALL DAY LONG.
Mommy Magic, Uh-oh, and Choices are covered in this blog post: http://hfamcourse.wo…/05/discipline/
Give kids skills and tools by modeling, formally, whatever you need to do. One book to help systematically is Raising a Thinking Child by Myrna Shure. Remember you’re modeling. Sometimes I hear my littles talk like me also. I can be proud when they ask someone nicely. Sadly, I, too, have heard things in play that make me sad I’ve taught that.
I have found it *much* harder to use *only* positive discipline with my littles. Traumatized children *are* much different. There is a lot more at play than when raising your bio children. Before, I used to say if someone is using punishment semi-regularly, they probably need to look into beefing up the good strong discipline. I still agree that is the case. I’m just the one working on it these days. My big kids were punished probably about once a year and even those times probably were not necessary or best. I wish I could get down to once a month at this point <sigh>.
So, the above is a reminder for me.