Just do it; we’ll figure out the consequences later

There once was a beautiful child with her whole life ahead of her.  She was full of life, quick to smile, made her family laugh, did amazing things, was bright and fun.  She was just about perfect, at least to her mother who loved her so incredibly much, she felt words could never even begin to describe it.

She had one flaw.  When she was a baby, her got a teeny cut on her finger.  Mom put some neosporin on it, put a bandaid on it, and watched it carefully, ready to do more if necessary.  Well, it healed a little funny so Mom talked to her doctor about what could be done about it.  Basically, she was told, time and caring for it daily would help in time, protect it from injury.  So that is what Mom did.

However, a storm was brewing in this little girl’s life.  One day, the little girl was whisked away across the country to a new family for reasons and in ways that were a complete injustice to the child and her family.  The family, thinking about themselves and not the little girl, decided they didn’t care for the tiny cut on her finger and just cut the child’s hand off altogether.  They took it upon themselves and refused much in the way out outside help for it.  The little girl suffered so badly.  The people would tell her family that the little girl was doing well, but pictures showed her very ill, in pain, sad, and confused.  The bandage on her arm was bright red, having bled through despite the people trying to hide it with various dressings, long sleeves, etc.

Several months later, the people make contact again.  This time they say that the little girl is doing wonderfully, but they have decided to go to the children’s hospital to see if anything can be done about the little girl’s arm as it is still giving her fits, bleeding, hurting, and they are concerned the damage is really bad.  But not to worry, they read another book and started doing the dressings a different way so hopefully that will help between now and the visit to the hospital.

The little girl’s mother is just devastated.  It has been so painful to have her child taken; but more than anything, the mother has worried about the child.  She knew the original cut hurt a little and needed treatment.  SHe was trying so hard to help the child.  Maybe that little scar would have caused the slightest problem (noticeable, might be tighter while playing violin, etc). But these people just chop off the child’s hand with no consideration of the consequences.  And then they want a pat on the back for finally taking her to the doctor? The little girl has to deal with the consequences of these people’s action forever.

The above story is how I’ve tried to explain the situation that has happened to my Sweet Little M and the end is what happened today.  If the people who have Sweet LIttle M see this, I’m sorry that they may not like being seen as a kidnapper who maimed a little girl.  But that is exactly how I see it.

Sweet Little M was the most beautiful baby, full of life.  She was a “little high strung” according to the doctor.  She had a bit odd development for various reasons.  She had several homes in her first year, landing with us just before turning 9 months old.  In time, with a lot of love and time and help, she was thriving.  Her “little cut” that was taking it’s time healing was attachment though.  See, people think babies can handle anything we throw at them from drugs to neglect to multiple caregivers.  But that pre-verbal stuff is pretty tough on them.  But she was coming along really well.

In a short time, her lawyer suggested we talk to our lawyer about intervening on her behalf.  I hoped she would advocate for her client, the baby, also.  And I let my agency, her caseworker, and the supervisor know my concerns also.  And things just kept going, nothing happening.  Maybe it was going to turn out alright.  The doctor wrote a letter.  Someone suggested a bonding assessment and psych eval even though she was so little (not yet two at this point).  The caseworker wouldn’t sign off on it.  There is question whether people this removed are really even fictive kin (and btw, their state doesn’t recognize fictive kin).

The lady told me they wanted her.  Who wouldn’t?!? She said that they would help her through this huge change in her life.  Why not just not hurt her in the first place?!

Through all this, I’ve been devastated for my loss; but more than anything, I’ve been worried about Sweet Little M.  Can you imagine the confusion when you don’t go back to your family?  The pain she can’t articulate of being abandoned?  the fear of being in all new surroundings with strangers?  the confusion of being passed around to multiple caregivers during the week?  The fear if you’ll be abandoned again?  what she may think when they are frustrated with her behavior? I’m so angry that the people involved (caseworker, lawyer, CASA, people she now lives with, etc) did this to her, put her in this position!

I thought about this earlier.  Basically, we had two mothers fighting for a baby.  Being the bigger person, I said, “no, please don’t cut her in half!”  I went above and beyond to help her.  I looked at pictures of these people.  I skyped with them.  I sent texts and emails.  I told them her little routines.  I tried to make it as easy on my baby as possible because THAT is what a MOTHER does.  But instead of being in front of King Solomon who would have granted me the child for putting the child’s needs above all else, we had CPS.  CPS who granted her to people who simply thought about what THEY wanted, another daughter, no matter the cost.

And now what?  They want kudos for getting help for her?  For the hurt they could have prevented?

My hubby asked, “how can they sleep at night having done this to her?”

That’s easy.   They won’t take responsibility. It would take a mighty big person to take responsibility for hurting her they way they have.  Instead, they’ll blame the biomom, neglect, the fact she had multiple homes, the fact that it took so long to get her to them.  All those things, no doubt, play a role.  But the biggest injustice of Sweet LIttle M’s life was being taken from the only home she remembered, the one where she was thriving with those she considered her Mom and Dad and siblings, where she had spent the majority of her little life.

We hope she can heal from this in time.  We hope she ends up healthy and happy.  We hope she learns the peace only God can give.

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2 thoughts on “Just do it; we’ll figure out the consequences later

  1. I feel your pain. See my old blog (instantmama.wordpress.com) for what sounds like a similar situation. Our baby came to us at 8 months, and stayed two years. We all nearly fell apart when we had to say goodbye. Ten months later, she still wants to come back but we can do nothing but try to support and leave it in God’s hands. But never underestimate the power of that love you equipped her with during those formative months. It is invaluable. Blessings to you!

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