Why?

WARNING: Just letting everyone know that this is a depressing post.  I’ve been crying for hours and…just…

DISCLAIMER: I also want to say that I am not against moms working outside the home though it may look that way in this post.  Please remember that I’m hurting and angry and sad and worried.

So…so though things are really good around here in a lot of ways, Sweet Little M has been on my mind a lot.  Seriously, could ANYONE just forget their precious toddler daughter in less than two months?  Why am I supposed to just move on?  Would anyone else?

Those bluebonnet pics?  A family member was missing.
The fair Saturday?  A family member was missing.
Supper last night?  A family member was missing.
The visit to the dog park yesterday?  A family member was missing.
Going to the Christian Meeting Sunday?  A family member was missing.
Putting the kids to bed?  A family member was missing.

Every single thing we do, a family member is missing.  We use the smaller van these days because without Sweet Little M, we don’t need the big one.  When shopping, I don’t pick up things I got just for her (or primarily for her).  When looking through our area’s “garage sale” on Facebook, I still think about how cute M might look in that or how she would like this.  We got a new puppy.  How M would love Heidi.

And why?

Why?

WHY?

Why is “fictive kin” (for anyone who doesn’t know, that means someone the family knows, not related by blood or adoption; can be distant relatives by marriages or friends of the family or anyone else that has contact with a family member)…why is fictive kin the child and even her biological mother has never met a better placement for a child than the family who absolutely adores her that she has been with since before she could even sit up steady?

We were willing to do an open relationship with the family.  We do it with the other three’s family.  We would have done it with M’s also.  We could have visited this summer.   I already proved I would do texts and calls and skype and pics.  All of that was MY idea AND I followed through.  I wouldn’t have cut them out.  In addition, I would have included the family here in our area also, the grandparents who only gave her up because of a severe health concern who now have lost her altogether as she is across the country.

Why was going to the family she went to better for her?

It wasn’t.  I don’t know ANYONE who thinks it was.  No one believes a child should have five homes in 20 months.  No one believes a child should be passed around.  No one thinks a child should move unnecessarily.  No one thinks a child should leave the only family she really knows as family.  No one thinks she should lose her mama, daddy, and siblings she thought hung the moon.  Anyone who thought about it for a second wouldn’t think it was best for a child with attachment concerns to be taken from her family to a home across the country so she can go to two or three additional caregivers each week (again, not against moms working, but THIS child needed to work on attachment, not spend most of the week, waking hours wise, with several other people).

I have NO doubt that family is often a good placement for a child who can’t go home (or can’t for awhile).  I have NO doubt that sometimes fictive kin can be a good situation.  Why not have a child with someone related to the family in some way if that is a healthy place?

But why can’t ANYONE use their brains about this?

Why did Monkey *really* move?

I know the answer.  It looks good for the state’s statistics.  It was better financially for the state. It got a kid off the caseload.  The people who got her wanted another kid.

But what I’m getting back from the family is that my little girl has struggled.  And pictures, unfortunately, speak a thousand words.  I think it is reasonable to guess that they are sending the best they have.  The little girl they have is not the little girl I had.  I got new pics last night.  I was so sad looking through them.  As I went to bed last night, I looked at the “wall of [M]” as we call it.  The difference in the pics I have of her versus what they have sent of her is NIGHT AND DAY.  She isn’t the same little girl.  There are no huge smiles and obvious personality coming through.  She’s forlorn.  Desperately so.

And I’m here absolutely useless, unable to help her.

I miss my little girl so incredibly much.  I love her and just want her home where she truly belongs. But more than that, I hurt so much for what she has to go through in this process.

I’m sure the people she’s with love her and want her.  I just wish they would have thought about what was best for HER instead of what they wanted.

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3 thoughts on “Why?

  1. I am SO sorry…just so sorry…I can relate to the “family member missing” thing…and it is hard enough when it is a normal part of growth! Two of my boys were gone this last summer, very suddenly…one decided to leave the area for college, and the other decided he really did want to connect with his dad after all. I was happy for THEM…and it was still hard to go shopping and have to stop and put back items I always bought automatically for them. I can’t even imagine how hard it would be if I was NOT at least happy for THEM! This whole thing is just so WRONG…obviously, they think she will “adjust”. Sigh. What they don’t get is that there is a difference between adjusting…and “well adjusted/attached”. Again, I am just so sorry.

  2. Pingback: The WordPress Family Award | I Survived a Murder Attack — My Family Didn't

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