Given: Child will be beaten severely if he wets on himself, in his bed, etc.
Given: Child has to potty more regularly than most children (ie, he is not going to make it through the night).
So what on earth was he SUPPOSED to do? Did his first parents ever think of THAT?
I actually remember a situation like this from when I was a child. My dad was very strict. Usually, I was able to stay within the standards expected. But one night when I was four, we went to my grandmother’s home. My dad had told us not to eat anything over there. My grandmother, of course, offered us food immediately. I told her Daddy said no. She said she’d worry about Daddy, eat. So now do I disobey Dad or Grandma? I was stuck. My brother and I got spankings that night. 30some years later, I still can’t imagine what I was supposed to do.
My son was in a predicament one day. I had started a diet and made a chart of how many servings of X and Y. I made each kid one also. Why not? I remember a checklist as a school assignment in elementary school so it seemed to make sense to teach nutrition (there is controversy about whether this was “good nutrition”). Well, one of my categories, I had put something like grains: bread, cereal, etc. There were three boxes next to it. My son ate cereal for breakfast (this was before we stopped doing that). Later, I had told the kids to get something for lunch and I had gone upstairs for something. I came down and J was eating cereal! What on earth? Since when do we eat cereal twice in one day? I fussed at him briefly, sighed, and fixed myself something for lunch. Later, J comes to me telling me that he doesn’t understand why he “got in trouble” when the chart says cereal and has three boxes. Poor kid. He was just confused! Thankfully, in our home, “we don’t eat cereal twice in a single day” and a frustrated sigh is considered discipline enough (though maybe not my best parenting, go figure). Thankfully (even more, imo!) my son could come to me later so we could work it out! BTW, yes, I beat myself up over the confusion and fussing at him.
See, my son knew I was reasonable. He could come to me and we could fix the problem. And the discipline wasn’t harsh anyway though I apologized of course! And the issue with my father was not an ongoing thing. I remember it well since I felt I was wronged, but I didn’t live my life in such turmoil. But *this child*? There are several things the children expressed being similar. They just couldn’t make “good choices” because no choice *was* good enough. Now, we’re still working with them (8½ months after they last saw their parents…update: 25½ months…) to see that things are different here. They will not be disciplined harshly; and regardless, we can always work to clarify things because I want it easy for them to not have to be anxious about the boundaries.