Little M Update

Well, I finally got a decent update about Sweet Little M.  4 weeks ago, Little M was taken across the country by fictive kin she only knew as I encouraged skyping while awaiting legal proceedings, their foster care classes, etc.  Little M had her longest and healthiest bond with our entire family broken unnecessarily.  I simply cannot make sense of this.  It obviously wasn’t in her best interest to be with them rather than us.  So why do it?  Well, of course, I now know about things like kickbacks, statistics, the state saving money.  Forget the kid, right?  

Anyway, so I’m definitely grieving.  I admit that.  It hurts terribly to lose a child you were led to believe you may be able to keep (even though there was other information to the contrary also).  I’m bitter.  I’m angry.  I’m sad.  I’m scared for my baby now and for her future.  I miss her so incredibly much.  It hurts so much to see my hubby cry over her, to hear my children ordering the state she is in to put her on a plane back to us, etc.  

Over the past four weeks, I have received almost no information and only three pictures.  No smiles.  No anecdotes.  No videos.  No skyping.  No details or stories.  Just a vague, “she’s adjusting well” with a few bits of information that suggested otherwise.  

But I have news.  K wrote a semi-detailed email of a decent length.  It gave a little bit of information about how things have gone over the past month, how she was adjusting, how she is doing now, etc.  There were details that helped.  

I came to two conclusions when I read the email.  First, the chances that these people are disrupting placement are pretty darn slim.  Second, Little M is at least making some progress for now.  I hope pictures are forthcoming, maybe at least a couple that include a smile to show she ever does?  But I could believe one particular story.  It was so her.  And that made me feel a little better.  

I will worry about Sweet Little M forever more (and I do know that as I still worry about another child from 16 years ago).  I really hope that she can overcome this situation and live a happy, healthy, productive life.  No matter what, she has a family of seven in Texas who loves here dearly and always will.  

I know the above still sounds a bit “crazed” with sadness, anger, fear.  I do have a good bit of that still.  But….but something is different.  Maybe some acceptance of what I cannot change?  

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3 thoughts on “Little M Update

    • Unfortunately, I’m still quite distressed. I got more pictures Sunday and Monday. My poor baby has such a flat effect. I really have a hard time believing that they would intentionally not send me the best pictures they have, that they would intentionally send pictures that show there is an issue. And yet, the pictures I’m getting still are showing a pretty flat effect, no real smiles, funny faces, etc. Now *I* have plenty of pictures and videos of her screaming or whatever; but most of the pictures of her are with her happy, being silly, showing her personality and brilliance. What if that little girl, the one that was here, is gone? And yet, I’m afraid to ask or say anything because I don’t want them to think I’m picking apart everything they say or send. I really think it is going to be quite awhile until I can accept this situation. And I doubt I’ll ever feel it was best or even good. I only hope she’ll forgive us.

      • Ahh…hon…I get it…I get the self blame. I get the sense of responsibility. I remember losing a child mid pregnancy and being SO angry with my body…feeling I had let that child down…but, you do not even have *that* much control over this. And where there is no control, there is no responsibility…I hope, eventually, you will be able to really *feel* that in your bones. There is nothing to forgive…you gave her joy…joy she would not have had without you. No one can take that away. Does that makes this all ok? Heck no…no chance. I really hope that they wake up soon and get her help(if they are going to be stubborn and refuse to disrupt). Their lack of understanding in the realm of attachment issues is concerning. I’m so sorry. I’m just so sorry.

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