Semi-Open Adoption and Wow

I’m on the verge of tears right now.  It has been such an emotional few weeks!  However, this morning’s tears are positive.

As I mentioned below, we have an open adoption.  How open depends on the family member.  Additionally, I expect that it is an evolving relationship that will change over time as the people involve mature, have different needs, etc.  And some of it is just getting comfy in our new roles.

Well, yesterday, I facebook messaged my children’s first parents.  It was maybe 3 or 4 sentences, nothing huge.  I didn’t expect an answer at all and was half expecting that if I did get one, the answer may even be hostile though I was careful in the wording and being humble, lowly.  So imagine my surprise when I received a heartfelt thank you message back within seconds!  I was even more surprised as the conversation continued over two hours!

I really didn’t think this day would come ever, much less so soon.  All I have to go based on regarding this woman was a couple court appearances where she was “on something,”  paperwork (investigative reports done half-way by an overworked CPS worker, a couple psych reports, etc), and testimony (from various CPS workers, reports from people the state hired to help her, her now ex-husband).

I also have the COMPLETE lack of discussion about her by my children.  Yes, really.  The *only* thing I’ve *ever* heard is “I miss my mommy” or “I miss my first mom.”  There is not ONE story of her.  There is no discussion of the mundane things in life or some special activity (whether once or regularly).  There is not one time of “my first mom XYZ.”  There is some about their first dad.  There are even some “my first parents….”  The closest was something like the story of my daughter being spanked for helping her mother up when her father pushed her down.”  But nothing specifically about their first mom….at all.

I really came to believe that this woman was just a shadow of herself.  She was probably in there somewhere; but the pain, the grief, the alcohol, the abuse, whatever has just overtaken her.  And in my head, she was the hurt inflicted upon my children.

This was not the woman I spoke to last night.  Her life is still a mess; but she was coherent and able to think about anyone but herself.  And yet, she was open to something more.  Like I said, we spoke for over two hours.  We discussed spiritual matters, the children, pictures and letters (not just from me!), etc.   I let her know that we’re hoping the best for her (something I’ve done many times, but I could be more detailed in our discussion).  I let her know that God cares and that she can gain peace (something she desperately wants and is so incredibly true).

Last night, my children’s first mom became a real person to me.

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4 thoughts on “Semi-Open Adoption and Wow

  1. Thank you. I kinda feel funny saying thank you because it is really on behalf of another person. But in another way, this first mom is extended family so your hope effects my family. I’m not stating this well. I guess I find it similar to if you had hoped well upon any other family member of mine struggling with something (health or a decision or whatever). What a nice sentiment!

  2. I was a birth mom with an open adoption. That child is now 25 and we have lived within 6 miles of each other her entire life. She was adopted by wonderful, spiritual , giving parents. But when she turned 16 everything changed. For the last 9 years it has been pure hell. I joined a support group years ago with other birth moms and we all agreed that open adoption at such a close proximity is not the way to go. if i had to do it again it would be a closed adoption. I wish you the best of luck.

  3. We do not have a court ordered open adoption with our kiddos and their birth mother, but I have kept in touch over the years. Mostly because she’s had another child, so I want them to be able to find that sibling later in life. But also because if I was the one in her shoes, I would want someone to let me know how the children I gave birth to are turning out. More recently, the birth mom had been in a horrific car accident and had to fight for her life. Through her recovery process, I have been in touch with her sister and her father. She still has some recovery to get through, but I have more consistent communication with her now. This has made the fact that these children have blood relatives that do think about them more real to me.

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