Discipline = Security

So I haven’t kept up with my blog.  I just stink at it.  But sometimes I write a post on a FaceBook group and say, “hey, that is pretty good.  I should keep it for the next time I need a few reminders or a wake up call.” Here is the post I wrote this morning (edited slightly):

Children are more secure, happier, and learn the associated lessons better when discipline (teaching/guidance) is fair and consistent. Giving extra chances, saying things multiple times, responding differently each time, etc actually causes problems because they don’t know what to expect. It makes it more likely they won’t learn the associated lessons. It confuses. It really is a kindness to be firm and consistent (no need to be harsh, punitive, rude, un-empathetic, etc though, of course).

I would liken it to math. Let’s say 2+2=4 🙂 How fair to a child would it be if we let him get away with saying it was 5 sometimes? “Well, math is harder for him so give him an A.” But six weeks into the school year, he will now be saying it is five half the time because though they keep telling him it is 4, his papers are correct when he puts 5.

So then he either accidentally or intentionally puts 10 one day. The teachers get exasperated. How many times have they told him it is 4? They decide they aren’t going to let him get away with 10. He doesn’t put 10 on the page anymore because that boundary was clear and firm from the get-go. Teacher notices.

But then why is he still putting 5 when she has told him over and over it is 4? She starts resenting the 5. Or at least she decides to finally do something about it. How is THAT fair? She allowed it to go on sooo long. But she finally does let him know that 2+2=4 and only 4 will give him the points. He tests the first day. She puts X on the ones he put 5 on. He tests harder the second.  Again, she puts X on the ones he put 5 on. A week later, he starts consistently putting 4. He is much more confident and now proud of his achievement. Teacher is spending less time on such things. Everyone wins.

The same is true of behavior. We are very very strict in our home. We spend the time teaching and guiding (disciplining). We are firm but kind. We leave out almost all punishment even. But boundaries are clear and upheld so kids feel more secure and confident quickly. They also learn to trust our judgment and that we will be fair, empathetic, etc. They progress and can be proud of themselves.

I want to make it clear that strict does not mean punitive. But we take kids with severe behavioral issues. We have to help them feel secure and teach them skills quickly for their own sake as well as the safety and health of everyone in the household. It isn’t foolproof because behavior is communication and many times it takes weeks, months, even years for those big feelings causing behavior to be dealt with. But we are consistent so they know that we can handle those big feelings until they learn how to.



More Family Nurture Group

So below, I was worried about how superficial it may seem.  But there was actually some good stuff there!

First, please notice that my kids LIKE Family Nurture Group!  They ask about it regularly.  They get excited that we get to do it.  They participate fully.  They like when they get to lead a session or when they get to be the one who is sharing.

But I wanted to share about some of what you see in those videos below (and hopefully it makes enough sense to make a difference).

You see the video where my son is talking about his hurt?  He talks about slicing his finger while cutting watermelon.  My husband was a bit worried about putting that video up.  I mean, who lets their almost 8yo cut watermelon? Not us 🙂  However, just because that was made up doesn’t mean that it was useless.  Actually, what happened was that big sister was cutting up some fruit and sliced her finger. It bled a lot and just wouldn’t quit.  Every time we thought it had quit, it started up again!  It did eventually quit 🙂 So really, he was processing that!   And empathy is a good thing!

And the video of my daughter talking about the cat?  That was the second time it was brought up during FNG.  The first time was during the cards (but my videos were segmented in a way I couldn’t share hers easily).  She picked up the card of the child holding the kitten.  She talked about him being happy to have a kitten.  So then when she said she had a “heart hurt” because daddy said we couldn’t have a kitten (a neighbor has a small litter and we had taken interest in them), she was talking about something real.  And how wonderful that this little girl could express that it was sad she couldn’t have a kitten.  How nice she could express that to her family.  She was a little guarded and was unsure if it was okay (my take on her behavior in the video), but she did it!

I do want to say that normally, the kids don’t sit all bunched up together, but not everyone could be or wanted to be in the video and these three would gladly take center stage to share.  Generally, we have people spread out and try to sit next to different people each time.  That isn’t always easy.  Sometimes it goes better than others.  We just try to push through the awkward or tough times and really focus on the “cool” times.

I chose activities easier to video and especially activities that are done each time.  I’ll try to post more videos at a later date.  Please ask for anything specific you may find helpful as it helps ME to think about such things for us also.

Some Family Nurture Group Videos

Here are a few videos of snippets of our family nurture group a couple weeks ago.  Sorry it took so long to get it up here.

I do want to say that I really am that cheesy.  🙂 And we really do seem a bit fake at this point, not natural.  I’m trying not to judge, just go with the flow 🙂  Hopefully you will not be too distracted by the out-of-camera shot family members, especially the baby 🙂

Okay, so we start with the Rules.  This is Tony leading us in the rules 🙂

Then I led the Skills of Attachment.

Here are a few of the activities we did.  Sometimes, how superficial things are surprises me.  For example, I’m sure you can tell that my boys made up their hurts.  Other times I’m surprised how much *does* come out as the feeling cards and my daughter’s hurt shows.  This was not the case at first, but it starting to show some.

Feeling Cards

Breathing exercises are different each time but fun:

Bandaids are done every time:

I hope that this glimpse into our livingroom was at all helpful.

Pi (π) Day!

So Pi Day is a great day for some neat activities even when kids are young 🙂

First, we need to start with a (gluten free) menu. All the items on the menu must be round.  Now, how round they are depends, of course, and we didn’t go overboard (for example, the veggies in the supper are not also round!).  This is what we decided for this year:IMG_6138

Quiver’s Cinnamon Rolls for breakfast
Cucumber Rounds with Hummus for lunch
Fruit (bananas, pineapple, oranges) cut in circles for snack
Vegan Pot Pie for supper
Chocolate Chip Cookie Ice Cream Pie for dessert

Note: Due to some difficulties with supper, we had dessert before supper!

FullSizeRender (8)So I thought that first we should start with some math, giving them SOME idea (maybe not much at their ages) of what Pi even is.  So we got paper plates, labeled the diameter and radius (and discussing how many of those there are in a circle which is a tough concept for little kids to grasp!).  In the side without the radius, they drew the letter pi.  We put digits of pi around the edge (discussing circumference) and decorated them.

Then, we listened to some stories and songs about Pi on YouTube.  There really are quite a few.  We spent a bit of time with it.  Some was over their heads, but all were fun 🙂  Maybe you’ll enjoy these:

Nine year old and I both learned 25 digits past the decimal because of the song above!

Next, we decided to find our birthdates in Pi and see whose comes up first (and last).  Here is the link so you can try it yourself: http://www.pbs.org/newshour/rundown/find-you-birthday-pi/  Our 7yo’s birthdate is first within the digits of pi.  Our 19yo’s birthdate is last.  The next closest to his was over 117,000 digits before his!  Kinda strange is that their birthdays are only 3 days part.

FullSizeRender (9)Of course, what Pi Day is complete without a circle art project.  Abstract or more realistic, circles are just fun!

And lastly, I challenged my nine year old to writing a story using the digits of pi as the number of letters in each word.  So the first word in the story would have three letters.  The second word of the story would have one.  The third would have four letters.  Alternatively, she could use the digits to decide how many words per sentence.  Wouldn’t it have been neat if I had been smart enough to write this post with one of those patterns?

Family Nurture Group

Several weeks ago, hubby and I went to a training that was based on Karyn Purvis’ work.  We got a lot out of the training, but we had one takeaway that has changed our Sunday afternoons.  It is Family Nurture Group. The kids LOVE it.  Here is some of what we are doing, could do, etc:

***We start each time with the rules and skills of attachment. We do them as a back and forth chant like was done in the training I went to. We also use hand signals (which I do a lot of anyway ala Whole Brain Teaching).

***We practice a regulation skill. One week it was the magic mustache. Another time, it was strong sitting (which was an adventure as my 4yos had a very hard time learning how to do their hands).

***We do team activities. For example, one time we each picked a color marker. We each drew a line (curvy, zigzag, even items as long as you keep the marker on the paper) for the count of five then the next person starts their line where the person before them left off. Other ideas would be a vision board, mural, etc.

***ropes course type things like falling backwards into people’s arms (adults from sitting since most of our people are very small). Also, a giggle run would be fun (where you put each person’s head on the person before them’s tummy and then try to “ha” one more time than the other person without laughing).

***A family knot would work with older kids or at least if the people in the family were all mature enough to do it and similarly sized.  Be mindful of the dysregulation some may have with this.  Some may be uncomfortable with touch, how close everyone would be, or be apt to hurt someone.

***Kid games with “listen and obey” like Simon Says, Mother May I?, Red Light/Green Light, etc

***We loved doing cotton ball activities. Our play therapist showed us these years ago. They can be things like closing your eyes and saying where the other person is touching you with the cotton ball. Yes, we had boundary issues when we did it originally, but that is another opportunity. Another that we did recently was having 4 cotton balls “in play” and blowing them across the circle (this could also be a regulation game in that it encourages proper breathing).

*** Certain books would work here. Last week, we used The Otter Cove. It is about belly breathing. We also LOVE LOVE LOVE the Little Owl Lost Her Whoo book. If we did it right before bedtime, we could use our Snuggle Up Sleepy Ones book (I swear that book works! Just thinking about it makes me want to yawn!).

***telling a story based off of the feeling identification cards was another used at the training and that I liked. I really liked the idea of naming the children on the cards! I never would have thought of that on my own and yet it makes so much sense!

***We could make stress balls (sand, salt, beans, tiny stones, etc) in balloons.

***Role playing. We’ll almost definitely use stuffed animals.

***Using lotion to massage hands or feet. Our therapist also had us use extra so that after doing so, we could do a hand/foot print on paper and sprinkle with baby powder. Shoulder massage could go here too.

****Activities from The Out of Sync Child Has Fun or Playful Parenting. I already had both books, so I’m going to look into this more to see what things would be good for this group.

***We did a family cheer. I’m less sure about this (though the kids love it) because we have temporary members. I keep thinking we could change it, but if I did it in a way to be less unified, it’d be weird and not the way I want. AND temporary members ARE H****s while they are here. And the two temporary members are very young so probably not thinking of any of this anyway. Just not sure.

****I was thinking of doing something with boundary bubbles, an issue we still have some struggles with, mostly with the one foster kiddo who is very sensory seeking.

***Last activity is a feeding activity. The first week, we used dumdum lollipops and peppermints. Each person got to choose which they wanted when asked and then their partner fed it to them. My 19yo *really* struggled with this! We used cookies, various candies, etc.

***The bandaid on your hurts thing hasn’t gone very well yet as we have a bunch of copy cats, but we are going to keep trying. I bought a ton of bandaids on Amazon. We also have used them to apologize in real life situations. The other day, I hurt my daughter’s feelings so went to her with one and apologized and asked if I could put it on her heart.

***And we end with the rules and skills of attachment again.

Anyway, so the kids love, love, love this and I’m so glad it has gone so well.

What People Ask Foster Parents

So the other day, someone shared this link and so now I share it with you for your enjoyment (and so I can find it and watch it again).

And there are a ton more.  I’m sure you can think of some.  Here are a few we’ve heard.

“Are you a daycare?”
“How many are your real children?”
“Do you have any of your own?”
“Who did her hair for you?”
“How much money do they give you?”
“Can you get food stamps now?”
“Are they all yours?”
“Can their parents just come get them?”
“They call you ‘Mama?'”
“Their real mom didn’t want them?”
“Why would someone give up their baby?”

Behavior is Communication

On a recent support group, someone posted about a very young child having huge fits that lasted 30-45 minutes and were destructive also.  The question was how to get the child to stop.

I didn’t say it at the time, but I don’t think the goal really *is* to get it to stop.  I mean, the long term goal may be, of course, but right now, I think the questions are “what is the child trying to communicate?” and “how can I best help the child?”  In time, because we stay calm, help the child get her needs met, and help her learn some life skills.  

In the end, though, different things work for different kids.  This first suggestion I listed almost sounds shocking, but I think if you’re matter-of-fact, empathetic, not punitive, it can really work.  Well, it did really work.  I’m much more likely to do a mix of the second two suggestions, but again, all kids are different.

Some ideas:

* Put her outside. “Outside voices go outside” and outside tends to be calming. ECI completely agreed with this idea for one of our toddlers a few years ago. And it really helped and worked. I do think you have to be careful about HOW you do it.

* We have had MANY kids that sitting very close to them, quiet, matching their degree of eye contact, or pulling them into your lap and rocking with gentle touch and soft speaking like you would an infant (shhhh, “I see you’re upset,” “Those are big feelings; I’m here for you.”). IMO, this teaches kids that big feelings are something you can handle and that you still love the child when she has them.

* Matching intensity by stating what they are really saying in words. This is good because usually screaming is something they do because they don’t know what really to say. Giving words for their feelings helps. Matching intensity tells them that you understand HOW they feel it.

The point with any of these things is to give them something they need. If they need a skill, you’re giving it. If they are needing acceptance and loving they hadn’t gotten prior, they are now getting it.

Punishment is rarely necessary for a 3yo and it often takes away from better discipline and need providing.

If you feel it *is* necessary to discipline further, whether that discipline includes punishment or not, doing so when everyone is calmed down will make more of a healthy impact. You can even make it more related to the situation. For example, using the calming jar (Pinterest) may be a good situation for a time out because it also is something the child could use in the moment later. Better discipline options like making amends and/or serving others will work well after everyone is calm.

Trying to discipline when people are out of control is just going to frustrate everyone more.  The 3yo is not going to want to apologize to her sister.  The 5yo doesn’t care that you have now taken his screen time and will send him to bed early because he wouldn’t just sit on his bed for five minutes.  Your just making the 11yo angrier and more focused on himself and his perceived injustice by grounding him for increasing amounts of time.  And it rarely *works.*  It isn’t likely to control him.  It certainly isn’t teaching him self-control.  And people can’t learn *well* when they are so upset. 

It is just so important to remember that behavior has little to nothing to do with how the child feels about us.  Instead, behavior is communication.  It tells us if our child is working from a place of love or fear.  It tells us if our child has needs for us to meet.  It tells us if they are lacking certain life skills.  Negative behavior is a call for help.  And when children can do better, they will do better.  That behavior communicates that they are starting to feel safe, secure, heard, loved.  It tells us that they have gained skills and tools they will need in life.  

Behavior is communication.  


OB: Fear = Freeze

The following post was from a little over two years ago.  A post on a group reminded me of it.  That and I’ve been going NUTS with this child’s “staring” rather than answering when I speak to him. I really wish I was as empathetic as I used to be.  I’m working on it.  I saw a few other posts when looking for this one.  Maybe I can get back to being more gracious.

A week ago, we had a situation come up that really helped me see how solidly T-lo is operating in a state of fear rather than actually being *here* sometimes.  All the other kids had gotten down from the table. T-lo was playing with his second piece of broccoli.  He had eaten the top off the first piece.  It had been 20-30 minutes.  This is something we struggle with not stressing about due to his growth issues.

I turned his chair to help him down (we have one of those bar height tables AND he has a booster seat).  I picked him up and told him “I love you. No matter what happens I love you. I. Love. You.”   He looked terrified.  I asked him what I had said sure he couldn’t have heard me or he would seem so scared.  He said, “get down from the table.” I tried again and he replied, “eat.” I tried one more time and he went back to his first answer. The child was so terrified when I picked him up, that he could only guess what I had said.

I hugged him tightly and a few moments later repeated what I had really said. This time he heard me. “I love you too, Mama.”

So that was quite an education.  A lot of times he seems to blank out, zone out, just not be there when we say something to him.  Or he’ll start crying though what is being said or done is not cry worthy (sometimes, quite the opposite).  It’s like he’s responding to something else.

Would it be?

This weekend, we went down to “the farm.”  Two brothers own it together.  One of them is married to my sister-in-law (and has been for 30 some years so we say it is Aunt N’s farm).  It is a small property of land.  At one time, I believe they did have animals out on it.  They haven’t since their own children have grown up though.  With as much work as they are doing out there, maybe the will again.

But it was BEAUTIFUL.  And peaceful.  And just what I needed.

I almost didn’t go.  Doc and Professor are still so deep in trauma (especially fear and defiance and food issues) that I didn’t think I wanted to take them anywhere.  And my three have been trying to deal with their own issues triggered by the littles’ issues (probably a good topic for another post). And taking a baby sounded like WORK.  And did I want to deal with certain family members?  And really, I just want to stay home.

And then I needed to take broccoli and cheese casserole.  But while we were shopping, hubby told me to make a dessert too.  All while the house is a mess and I have five children who need me ON THE FLOOR.

I suggested hubby take Tumbler, Swimmer, and T-Lo.  If our young adult children wanted to go, they could.  But in the end, I just couldn’t bear backing out.

There were a few little hiccups, but it was WONDERFUL!  Absolutely, perfectly, amazingly awesome! And I got some of the greatest pictures!  Well, the best pictures were the less “staged” ones, but of course, those have family member kids, foster kids, etc.   I sure wish I could share pics of Professor, Doc, and Little Lamb too!  But here is a good sampling 🙂

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This last pic is Daddy with his little ducks.  Doc hadn’t yet changed into the outfit I had planned for the day (she had jeans, boots, solid black long sleeve and a pink jean jacket).  But she’s cute both ways!

I had recently read a book (oh, I meant to do a review of that book) with a dairy ranch as the main setting.  Since then, I had done some research about finding such a thing.  This trip definitely bolstered that interest.  The house wasn’t huge (doesn’t need to be really); but can you imagine the freedom my kids would have outdoors?  Plenty of room to climb trees, shoot cans, fish, play with sticks, making crafts with pine needles, whatever.  And no traffic.  And your neighbor is down there if you need him, but not 1/5 an acre over.  And the dogs could run and play.  And I could BREATHE!

Would it be so perfect ALL of the time? Something tells me we’d still have a little stress 🙂  However, it does seem like it would be a whole lot easier to relax in such a nice, and much slower, setting.

So I looked at land again yesterday.  Still costs money.  But maybe it will be an option at some point.  Maybe if they make the adoption tax credit refundable so families like ours got any of it (I’ll explain about that one day.  I made mention of it HERE.).

Well, my sister-in-law has said we’re welcome to go down as we wish.  And I WISH!  LOL  I’m asking hubby to ask her about a certain several days.  And then she also said she’d like to do a get together family wise every couple months.  Good!  Honestly, I’d go back TODAY if I could!


System is Unfair to Parents

Okay, generally, I think that parental rights over the children’s needs is a huge problem in the child welfare system.  However, I recently had an experience that showed me how unfair it is to parents also.

We often hear about how parents are delusional, not taking responsibility, unable to comprehend what they’d done, etc.  However, it may be that the system has fed into that a good deal!  Here is an example of when this happened to two parents.

Meeting with approximately 23 people, parents included. Caseworker, lawyers, D.A., kinship workers, CASA, supervisors, foster parents, etc are also there. Children have been in care a couple months when this meeting took place. It is not believed these parents will ever get things together enough or keep it together in order to be able to parent.  Wording below is not exact.  Specific circumstances will be generalized.

Facilitator:  What is the date the children were taken into care?  Is that the date permanency is based upon?

Caseworker: Date in question.  Yes.

Facilitator:  What were the circumstances that led the children to be removed from the home?

Caseworker outlines domestic violence, extreme neglect and filth, concerns of specific abuses.

Facilitator: any previous cases with this family?

Caseworker: Yes.  There have been X cases including ____.  Caseworker outlines number of times children have been in care, kinship, have had home-based services as well as the reasons for these cases.

Facilitator: Have the parents been offered a caseplan?

Caseworker: yes (it is about this time that I wonder why the caseworker pauses three full seconds before answering each time).

Facilitator: Mom, what services have you completed.

Mom lists numerous things she’s taken care of (imo, impressive considering how short children have been in care).  Most things have not been finished, but basics have been started.  For example, she’s half-way through parenting classes and has gone back to counseling and for medication management.

Facilitator: Is there any services mom is not compliant with?

Caseworker states that she has addressed each item on the caseplan though she states a clarification to one item that seems to me probably doesn’t matter and can’t be held against Mom.

Facilitator asks dad the same question.

Dad is not nearly as concise as mom was, goes off a little in left field, is chastised by mother, does that for each caseplan area.

Facilitator again asks caseworker about compliance and Caseworker confirms he has addressed each thing.

Facilitator asks what the goal is.

Caseworker: Reunification with parents

Facilitator: Concurrent?

Caseworker: Adoption by a non-relative

Facilitator: Kinship?

Caseworker briefly discusses the failed kinship placement as well as that grandmother is involved but unable to take the children. Mention is made of DNA testing, a named father for one of the children, no other known possible family members at this time.

Facilitator: any known reasons why RU (reunification) will not occur?

Caseworker: not at this time

Facilitator asks foster parents about each child, basically wanting to know that all are up-t0-date on medical, dental, and immunizations as well as any special needs are being addressed.

Facilitator: When is the next court date?

Caseworker answers.

And that was that.  Discussion afterward among the parties is about how useless the meeting was.  They also discuss how that meeting makes it sound like there is no reason the children wouldn’t be returned shortly.  No wonder Mom thought it was possible before the end of the year!  She was redirected to think no sooner than Spring, but still!  I mean, if a parent thinks, “a case plan is a list of the things I must do adequately in order to have my children returned to me,” there is no wonder the parents may think they are getting their kids back sooner than possible!

Why would there not be things on their caseplan that detail what else they will be judged upon so they can try to address those things as well as have a more realistic view of why the children are not being returned at any given time (possibly ever).

I have had several cases that this has happened with now, including my children’s.  CPS had NO intention on working with the parents another time after the history.  They didn’t meet the requirements not to receive a caseplan. The caseplan included the basics they had done several times and didn’t include anything else the parents needed to prove. In their case, what really happened was that family quit enabling them and they were incapable of following through with the caseplan on their own in part due to poor choices.  But what if they had done it all (with or without help)?

I absolutely think parents should be given a chance or two.  It is best for children to be raised by their parents when possible.  However, multiple chances, case plans that aren’t realistic, etc seems like it just sets kids up to not have permanency year after year.  My kids had nine homes, eight cases, over five years before TPR (termination of parental rights).  Most kids I’ve had who have had TPR or headed that direction have either had extreme circumstances which suggested strongly that the parents would not be able to do enough or keep it up or multiple cases which backs that idea up.  And yet each has had a basic caseplan and official goal of RU.

Again, I just think it is unfair for the children to be in limbo and with the issues that come with it.  And I think it is unfair to the parents to have it suggested they just need to do XYZ to get their kids back when that obviously isn’t (and can’t be!) the case.   I also think that the options available to the department as well as the parents should be covered with the family occasionally.  But again, I think they need to have a fair case plan in the first place so they can more accurately see what is going on in the case in order to evaluate the options.

Just weird and in my opinion, wrong.


Dear Foster Momma of a Stranger’s Child

I feel so incredibly inadequate so much of the time.  And when kids like Monkey get hurt because I couldn’t save them from the system, I really wonder if it is worth what all we’ve tried to do.  I cried through the beginning of this post by another blogger:

Dear (Foster) Momma of a Stranger’s Child.

Discipline Reminders

So I used to be a great parent.  Really.  When I had two kids, I was.  One kid was probably THE easiest kid on the planet.  The other was pretty challenging naturally.  But we worked together, focused on relationship and them learning self-discipline and all was grand.  Really.  I didn’t think we had anything that anyone else couldn’t have.  It was a choice.  I put in a good bit of effort when they were little and reaped what I sowed.  I wasn’t living in some fantasy land, I simply had set us up for success.  We lived very peacefully.

And I tested this out!  I did some parent-coaching.  I worked in a childcare center.  I had a home daycare.  I took in kids to tutor and even teach full time for a period, often for behavioral reasons. Really, I felt I found THE answer.

So when we started fostering, I thought all I had to do was continue that trend.  Be firm, consistent, and use good strong positive discipline.  Between that being nurturing and meeting needs, I figured that a couple weeks into placements, we’d be successfully peaceful.

Reality is MUCH different.  My kids *are* great.  And in a short time, they DO know we love them, will meet their needs, and know we’ll be firm and consistent.  They know we won’t beat them.  They know we’ll help them figure out how to do better next time.

But where my big kids probably got punished once a year (really!), my littles have punishment included more often. So when I was looking through some old posts looking for something, I found the below and thought that the reminders were good for ME.  Maybe someone else will find them helpful also.  I know that when I’ve coupled empathy and these ideas, I’ve done the best with my kids.  And they’ve responded well.

Punishment – usually not related to situation, usually in order to deter that choice in the future or “pay back” for the current situation. It is often something that cannot work by itself. Includes: lecturing, time out, spanking, taking privileges, taking items, grounding, making them do chores, etc.

Natural Consequence – Something that happens naturally. You stand on the chair, you may fall. Some natural consequences are not appropriate (the natural consequence for jumping off a building is plunging to your death so we don’t allow children to jump off skyscrapers). But many natural consequences are very effective.  Many of us do dishes immediately after supper because it is easier to scrub wet mess rather than dried on food off plates.

Logical Consequence – related and reasonable.  These are things like having a child move to another toy area if he isn’t playing nicely in the original one. A child may well feel punished sometimes. Sometimes parents can turn a logical consequence into a punishment by overdoing it. For example, logically, you would require your child to get up from watching tv in order to finish the chore he was supposed to do an hour ago. Logically, he now misses the end of the show. Taking TV for the rest of the week because of it is punishment.

Built-in Logical Consequence – Thing you build in to teach a value, life lesson, etc. “You may X after you Y” is often a built-in logical consequence. Work before play would be one.

Someone asked: If a kid breaks a rule, what do you do to encourage him not to break it again? Especially if it’s a rule that he has repeatedly broken and doesn’t seem to respect at all?

We all probably get into this thinking especially if it is a behavior we want to disappear NOW or at least SOON. Generally though, we don’t get to control people to that degree. We can try. But…but then:

  • we are sweet and want our home to be more peaceful and not include bullying
  • it is hard to control people all the time, so
  • we get inconsistent, use threats (like, “if you do that again….”), etc

The idea with training kids is not really to get them not to break rules. That should be, in time, a side effect, IMO. Instead, discipline means to teach and guide. It means to give them values, morals, life skills, tools, opportunities to learn and practice self-control, reasoning and problem solving skills, etc. That means, sometimes, we’re going to have mistakes. But the mistakes are opportunities also. See the difference in thinking? One is to get kids to do or not do certain things. The other is to get kids to the point where they can figure out what to do and not do as well as why and how.

In my experience (direct as well as what I see), it is a lot more work at first to discipline children with the long term in mind. However, that work with young children or new children to the family is worth it when your 8, 10, 14, and 19yos are making good choices with little (often asked for) direction.

Key things I do?

First, focus on relationship. I live on the floor with my littles (and I have a lot of littles!). We read, play, build, tickle, pet, rock, hug, kiss, do educational things, etc ALL DAY LONG.

Mommy Magic, Uh-oh, and Choices are covered in this blog post: http://hfamcourse.wo…/05/discipline/

Give kids skills and tools by modeling, formally, whatever you need to do. One book to help systematically is Raising a Thinking Child by Myrna Shure. Remember you’re modeling. Sometimes I hear my littles talk like me also. I can be proud when they ask someone nicely. Sadly, I, too, have heard things in play that make me sad I’ve taught that.

I have found it *much* harder to use *only* positive discipline with my littles. Traumatized children *are* much different.  There is a lot more at play than when raising your bio children. Before, I used to say if someone is using punishment semi-regularly, they probably need to look into beefing up the good strong discipline. I still agree that is the case. I’m just the one working on it these days. My big kids were punished probably about once a year and even those times probably were not necessary or best. I wish I could get down to once a month at this point <sigh>.

So, the above is a reminder for me.


I absolutely love, love, love hearing my son read.  He just keeps getting better and better.  And as he does, his little brothers have more and more interest in learning also (one is decoding and the other recently learned all his letter sounds). He is picking up books reading here and there and everywhere.

I like to read books Mom!
I do! I like them, it’s the bomb!

And I would read them in a boat.
And I would read them with a goat…
And I would read them in the rain.
And in the car. And on a train.
And in a car. And in a tree.
They are so good, so good, you see!

So I will read them in a box.
And I will read them with a fox.
And I will read them in a house.
And I will read them with a mouse.
And I will read them here and there.
Say!  I will read them ANYWHERE!

I do so like to read them, Mom!
Thank you!
Thank you!
Reading’s the bomb!

(Thanks Dr. Seuss! 🙂 ).

Rooting for the Kids!

“It is so kind and generous for you to share these pictures with the parents.”

I really don’t think I’m any different than most people in a lot of ways.  In the end, it is all about the kids for me.  And I truly believe that supporting the parents, even when it looks unlikely they will be able to have their children returned, even if they’ve already lost parental rights, is the right thing to do.

As readers may remember, I got three children about six weeks ago.  Professor is three.  Doc is two, and Little Lamb is four months.  There is a bunch of weirdness with this case.  Mostly, when everyone is looking long term, based on what has been seen so far (and this isn’t the family’s first case), it looks as if the parents aren’t able to function well enough and what they can do, they can’t continue long term.  Obviously, that isn’t the best situation for the children.  It isn’t that the parents don’t care or are unwilling to do right; they simply seem incapable.  It is expected that the children will need a forever home and people involved are making sure the children are in a pre-adoptive home so they won’t need another move down the line (hopefully).

It is a really weird feeling sometimes when we are helping and supporting the family while hoping these may be our forever children, finishing out our family.  if they can do this, it would be the BEST thing for the children.  Sure, we may be able to give the children more in terms of education and opportunity and a nice home.  And we’d adore them.  But children really do better with biological family IF at all possible.  And yet, if they simply are not capable of parenting, we would love to be best for them!

So by looking at photos with the kids and providing photos/updates for the parents, we are encouraging their bond.  By sharing photos, they see the children happy in a variety of activities.  The current photo album includes various dressed up shots, from a haircut (nails done too!), from at the park, rough-housing with my oldest son, from the sport I put them in, before/after surgery one had, etc.  On top of hopefully giving the parents peace about how their children are doing, it establishes a relationship between the parents and us.  We aren’t adversaries, but part of a team to make sure the right situation happens for the children.  And lastly, should they not be able to parent full-time, we have opened the door for an ongoing relationship as long as it is safe and healthy to do so.  We have shown that we are respectful of their relationship with the children.  They know the children are happy and healthy and safe with us.  They see that we are willing to give updates and photos (at least).

Again, it is just a weird situation.  I have found myself defending parents, pointing out strengths, hoping the best for them.  I have found myself extremely empathetic of what they have been through and are going through.  And yet, sometimes I get so angry at what they’ve done to their children, what their children are going through now (confusion, for example), etc.  And I doubt whether certain issues are things people can overcome.

Tug-o-war.  But regardless of who is “winning” moment to moment, I am rooting for the children.

In the end, my hope is that the children gain permanency.  I want them to get to where they will be FOREVER.  I want them to feel safe, secure, confident.  I want them to be happy and healthy.



I don’t want to….

“I don’t want to get beat.”

“I don’t want to get killed.”

That is what my little Professor told me when he knew I was angry.  I had tried to hide it.

“Professor, if you are going to poop on yourself, you’re going to have to clean it up.  Stand in the tub til you are clean.”  I handed him wipes and a Wal-Mart bag.  I walked out.  He cleaned up pretty well.  Of course, there was poo in a few places despite my trying to contain it.

“{Adult Daughter’s name}….argh.”

That is when he looked up at me, in the hallway, and said it.  It was so matter-of-fact.

ETA:  I thought maybe I should finish this story when I told hubby about it.  It might not surprise you that not long after all this, Professor pooped himself again (how come kids who don’t poop over-much generally can poop so much when they need it to say something?).  I put him him the tub with wipes and a Wal-Mart bag.  He “cleaned up.”  He had poop ALL over him.  I put him back in the bathroom and told him to clean up, giving him more wipes.  He comes back out clean-ish. I walk back to the bathroom to put him through a quick shower and saw it.  Poop smears all over the carpet.  Goodness.  My daughter steam cleaned the carpet.  I started him bathing.

Then we went to the park.

I had planned to write about something else today, but this made me cry.  I walked out the outside trash with his wipe bag and wondered if I can continue doing this.  How much more heartbreak for my kids can I handle?