Homeschool Days Aren’t All Perfect

So, what do you think of when you think about homeschooling? I have a picture perfect day set out in my head. It includes lots of reading and laughing together. It has us sitting around the wall maps pointing out places and facts about those places. It involves activities such as pretend archaeological digs and making soups people may have made in the 1500s. The daily walk, playing with snails, practicing handstand push-ups, reading about dinosaurs, coloring, writing letters to grandma, and the like are sprinkled through the day. At some point, each child has a short amount of computer time, each having his/her own programs (abcya.com, EPGY, Reading Eggs, DreamBox, etc)

And many days seem just like that. We have great materials like Elemental Science and Story of the World History that include reading from books, art projects, hands-on activities, even getting a new pet (Elemental Science is why we got Diego and Eeyore, our bettas). I love spending all this time with my children living life, learning in a low-key manner, and soaring.

But sometimes, homeschool days aren’t perfect. Two of my children had a couple rough days a couple weeks ago which made the rest of our homeschooling experience less than wonderful. Getting into things, having attitude problems, intentionally doing work incorrectly (really people?), trying to control things not for them to control, keeping a nose in someone else’s business, etc. It has been an exhausting week.

Of course, even with some behaviors, even school behaviors, we still had nice moments. I’m hoping next week is a picture perfect homeschool week though, one with lots of the good stuff and little, if any, of the yuck.

Today was a great day, an excellent way to finish out a week. After the children were in bed, I texted a friend about how my life, some days, seems about perfect. I have a beautiful large family I can enjoy more often than not. How fortunate I really am!

Did I tell you?

So several weeks ago, we were at gymnastics, where we send way too much time (the hazards of having a competitive gymnast).  My son was playing with a few other kids.  Towards the end of class, one of the little girls (age 9) comes up to her mom and whispers in her ear.  The mom says something that suggests to me that T-lo may have done something.  I ask.  The mom tries to minimize it but says that T-lo bit her daughter.

SAY WHAT?!?!!  My almost FIVE year old bit someone?  What on earth????

I called T-lo over to me.  He knew, right away he was in trouble.  He admits he bit her.  In a quite exasperated voice, I ask, “WHY on earth would you bite B?”  

“I really like pink.”

I had a slight giggle as B’s mom turns away from T-lo cracking up.  I compose myself quickly.

“Look!  You made A cry because you bit B!”

A was *not* making it easy for me not to laugh too.  Seriously, what kind of reason is that?

I had T-lo apologize and sent him on his way.

A turns and says, “he was just so sincere.”

Now it is a little joke that T-lo may bite you if you’re wearing pink.

Crazy!

In other news, he’s picking up his phonics and sight words.  Yes, we homeschool AND learn high frequency words though we don’t consider some of them sight words like schools do.  For example, “am” is not a sight word.  Other high frequency words that aren’t sight words include that, but, make, first, and down, to name a few.  For words like those, we simply discuss the rule.  They’ll eventually get them from exposure, discussion, or phonics.  I’m fine with that.  I’d rather them become stronger readers than doing it earlier.  I noticed working in the public school that the kindergartners seemed more capable than I’d expect, but that that 3rd graders (and especially 11th graders) were significantly less capable of reading well than I’d expect.  I really believe that is because kids aren’t getting a firm foundation.   So we focus on phonics.

OB: “Babying” Older Children

This is something I’m needing to focus on right now due to one of my children having significant trouble and having some newbie foster kiddos.  So it seemed like a good time to repost it

How we “baby” big kids (ages 3-8):

*I’m CONSTANTLY on the floor, making it easy for kids to come to me whether for a quick tickle or head rub or game of footsies or whatever.

*I rock them…a lot! When rocking, I pet them, run my fingers through their hair, tickle lightly, tell them what I would have done had I known them (or was their mommy) when they were a baby.

*We use dum-dum lollypops for a bottle for a few reasons.  The biggest was that I worried what the agency and caseworkers would think about using a real bottle.  But this has the benefit of being sweet also which is an attachment key.

*Softness, sweetness, warmth, closeness, etc are all good.

*BTW, my kids LOVE green smoothies. Goodness, a “milk shake” for breakfast? Mommy is the best! My three hadn’t even ever had watermelon. Again, healthy and anytime? AWESOME!

*My kids, especially one of them, have taken it further, such as: First words, first steps, first hop, baby sentences, etc. He does it even with mistakes. Like his first steps are wobbly and he falls down. I praise, encourage, help, fix (pretend) boo-boos, etc.

*We play lots of baby games (peekaboo, this little piggy, etc). A lot of finger 
plays and such are fun too. And reading is a very typical thing for parents to do with children. Our play therapist gave us other ideas like “close
your eyes” and then I lightly touch them with a cotton ball or we blow a cotton
ball back and forth (and you can even do that with more than one child). Just
sit close.

*Lotion and a “family scent” are good ideas also. I have multiple chemical sensitivities so I have to be careful, but….My kids started really responding to cinnamon. Well THAT is easy. I can put a small pot of boiling water with cinnamon in it on the stove. I can put cinnamon in muffins, waffles, pancakes, etc.

For me, having babies in the house has been SOOOOOOOO helpful! I’ve had my three since April 2011. I have had a baby/toddler in the house all but 4 months since I’ve gotten them. It helps me see all the fun, silly, touching, bonding, etc things I can do. We NATURALLY do those things with babies. It is a lot harder to remember with kindergarteners. Having those  reminders, I can turn around and do similarly with the big kids. Sometimes, it feels like I have septuplets rather than one baby and some bigger kids.

BTW, one other thing we do is MUCH greater than typical supervision. This was necessary due to behavior at one point; but even when it could be loosened, we didn’t go all the way to average. Having them close gives opportunity to for coaching, helping, guiding, etc. It also gives a lot of opportunity to touch,rub heads, tickle behind ears, quick kisses to the tops of heads, silly words, etc.

Everything They Do is WRONG!

So on a message board, a few people were talking about how everything a foster child does, when they go into a new home, is wrong.  They want the wrong things, say the wrong things, do the wrong things, think the wrong things, wear the wrong things, etc.  This really hit home for me because I really do feel like I’m correcting kids all the time at first.  And I know some of those things are just family preferences, not “the end of the world.”

• speech, grammar – “Will I have some more? instead of “May I”?  being unintelligible to some degree or another
• manners – please, thank you, yes/no instead of yeah/uh-uh
• social skills (sharing, talking with others, etc)
• aggression – verbal (name calling, cursing, etc) and physical (hitting, biting, pinching)
• at the table – using utensils, sitting up straight, eating speed, eating real food
• hair and dress – unkempt, inappropriate sayings, etc
• LOUD, very LOUD, making noises CONSTANTLY, yelling, not even knowing HOW to whisper
• self-care – pottying, dressing, bathing, etc.
• bed – bedtime, sleeping through night, etc
• cultural differences to navigate (not necessarily change)
• defiance – blatant, hidden, passive, just hollering no over and over

Obviously I have young children.  I can imagine there would be other issues with older kids.  The amount of time on screens, inappropriate clothing, wanting to do things that kids shouldn’t at all (like drugs, be with an adult boyfriend, etc) or can’t in foster care, etc.

We have new children.  Ace is 4½, Champ is almost 3, and The Baby is 6mo this week.  These kids have fewer of these “wanna change them” things than most.  I am not worrying about how loud Ace is, for example, as I figure that is my issue right now.  And I kinda find Champ’s mouthiness cute (though I won’t let him know that!).  I do have to address Ace’s social issues as we have a lot of kids.  And we are gently working on both boys’ self-care skills.

Mostly, I want kids to know they are safe here.  Sometimes that heads off certain issues but causes others temporarily.

Anyway, I think the main takeaway is that even if I would like many things to change, that it is important the CHILDREN don’t feel like I want to change everything about them.  Can you imagine thinking that everything you say, do, think, want, wear, etc is wrong?  Can you imagine feeling nothing is ever good enough? Some things will need to be addressed in time.  Very few things need to be addressed the first week, be addressed in a punitive manner, etc.   In time, you’ll find that some things don’t need to be addressed at all as that is just how it is or will work out itself. But regardless, it is probably wise to be mindful of how much you’re trying to change “overnight.”

Discipline

Okay, so this was a response I wrote to someone with a four year old.  I felt it described part of our discipline to a great degree.  It leaves out the “babying older children” and other relationship things I’ll talk about in other posts.  But it does give some strong teaching based discipline, in my opinion.  So I thought I’d share it here.

As for what YOU do?

Consistency is KEY.  A lot of people tend to teach kids not to listen until they yell, get frustrated, punish. There is an easy fix for this (but it will take a couple weeks of exhaustion to handle it).  Simply, say what you mean and mean what you say.  When you give a directive, HAVE him comply.  Don’t say things three times, don’t yell, don’t offer punishment instead, don’t spank or give a time out.  Simply HAVE him comply.

“T-lo, please put your glasses on,” may need to include you handing him his glasses as you say it.  Later, you may give him an opportunity to choose to comply, but you’ll have gotten his attention, given the directive, and be ready to usher him towards his glasses if need be. If you do those things with EVERY directive, in time, he’ll get that you have “mommy magic” and everything you says, comes true!  Shortly after that, you’ll know he’ll just put it on because he simply complies with what you say.  Of course, then a few weeks later, he’ll test to see if you still will follow through.  You’ll simply usher him towards his glasses and he’ll see you most certainly do.

BTW, if you find that you are having to actually help him comply a lot or you try to move on and he doesn’t show he’s ready, take that as your mistake for misreading him and step back.  He’s FOUR.  Seriously, NOTHING he is doing or not doing now has ANY bearing on how he’ll be at 12 or 25.  Promise.  Just scaffold him the way HE needs.  When he’s ready for the next step, he’ll just do it (kinda like potty training).

Another key tool is stopping the world.  I had a five yr old foster son who didn’t want to do his peak flow meter for whatever reason.  I have made it fun by letting everyone do it.  I have given him silly goals like making it go through the window and being like superman.  Seriously, come on kid.  So it had to be set up in a way that he wanted to do it.  ”In order to do ANYTHING else (other than potty and breathe), you need to do this measure.”  Now, you state it in the positive like that.  Don’t say, “you can’t X until you Y.”  You say “after you X, we’ll Y if we have time.”  Or whatever.

Okay, but there were two tools I *really* liked in Love and Logic Magic (that is the one for 0-6yr olds).

One is to give the child an INSANE amount of choices.  Give him as much control as you can give him in a way reasonable for him.  And make a game out of it.  How many times can you give him a choice?  Do you want the red shirt or the yellow?  Do you want the black pants or the blue? Do you want white socks or yellow?  Do you want the light on or off while you change?  Do you want the door open or shut?  Do you want me to stay in here or go fix breakfast?  Do you want oatmeal or omelets?  Do you want berries with that?  Blueberries or strawberries?  Do you want a spoon or a fork?  Do you want the spoon in the bowl or on the table or on your head?  The point of this is to give him control over things that really should be in his control.  We mamas have a BAD habit of saying no, making all the decisions, etc. Let him control his world.  The other point is that the relationship is like a bank.  You keep making these deposits and it’ll hurt less and less when you need to make some withdrawls (some of the choices yourself).  Seriously, if you have $50 in the bank, then the $47 water bill HURTS.  But if you have $5,000 in the bank, you don’t mind the $47 water bill so much.  And once you have $500,000 extra dollars in the bank, who cares about $47 you forgot about til the last moment?

The second tool I liked was “uh-oh.”  Now the book says you can say “bummer” or a number of other things.  But I have found that I cannot say “uh-oh” in anything other than a toddler teacher voice.  Seriously.  You simply cannot sound abusive with it!  Well, my kids LOVED it also.  It gave them the feedback they needed without causing them to tense up (my kids have trauma histories so freeze and don’t hear another word when I try to correct them because they get scared).  They could stay in the moment rather than falling back to their old lives all because I said, “uh-oh” instead of a sharp “Tony.”  Pretty cool, huh?  Now, the book pairs uh-ohs with punishment WAY WAY WAY too often in my opinion.  It is short, gentle punishment, but punishment nonetheless.  And unnecessary for the most part.  Instead of punishing for making a mistake, fix it, figure out what to do better next time and move on.  A great book to help littles learn how to do better next time is Raising a Thinking Child by Myrna Shure.It is basically a problem solving curriculum you can do as a “circle time’ of sorts (or at supper or whatever) with kiddos.  It is FUN and easy (appropriate for ages 2-8).

So those are a few of our non-punitive, non-relationship, non-environmental based discipline strategies.  Obviously I have some of those also.  In fact, I’d guess that the environment and relationship aspects are much more important generally.  But I was looking at his discussion for another reason so decided to write about this this morning

Reviews and Heidi

So two completely unrelated topics in this post.

First, I have joined a review team.  What is a review team?  In this case, it is a large group of homeschoolers who review products.  Many of the products will be homeschool curriculum and resources.  However, there will be health and beauty items, video/card/board games, cleaning products, foods, all sorts of things!  Now, I have already posted a review or two.  Those were not related to this group, just personal opinion.  When I am doing it related to this group, I will be sure to mention it.

 

My blog also has it’s own Facebook page now.  It is just getting started so a few comments and likes would be wonderful if you don’t mind!

https://www.facebook.com/pages/An-Intentional-Life/450052421730689

I took a picture of Heidi, my german shepherd puppy yesterday.  I take a picture each week and am just AMAZED how much this little dog is growing.  She was 7 pounds when I got her.  Saturday, she was over 15 pounds.

Isn’t that an amazing difference for one month?!?!

She is so smart too.  We definitely still have puppy-ness going on though.  But I really believe this is gonna be an awesome dog in time.

OB (Aug 2012): It’s so easy

This seemed like a good blog entry to repost today.  Two of my kids have jumped off the deep end.  At the same time, I’m so amazed by them all the time!  It is the weirdest thing to reconcile in my head sometimes.

It’s so easy….

to be negative sometimes.  I worry about my children, their trauma, their attachment SO MUCH.  But I want to be sure not to miss all the positive!  They have grown so incredibly much!  So often, it is things we just forget or were slow in progressing that we remember.

I remember, for example, having a talk with one’s teacher at one point last year.  It hit us both that the child hadn’t been thumb sucking in a while.

And I remember the first week the one let me sleep through the night (not that *I* slept through the night.  I kept hearing “nee-nee” (the sound of the alarm) in my head.  The kids teased me endlessly about that.

And when the one stopped puking?!?!  THAT was big!

What about how one had only vowels when he got here, almost NO consonants AT ALL! For that matter, we didn’t understand ANY of them at all at first.

Oh, and I have to post the audio one day of one little.  We were at a restaurant and a creature was made out of a napkin. Kiddo was so upset about leaving the monster that we enlisted the waitress’ help to give the monster a new home.  The napkin monster was put in a cave with others like himself   The child’s sweet little voice!  I never want to lose that audio!

I really wish I had taped more of all of them.  Some of the grammar and accent and articulation mistakes were so cute.  I wish some of them hadn’t irritated me so much.  They were gone so quickly.

And the fits the one child used to throw were ADORABLE and heart-breaking.  Kiddo just was a scared, sad and angry. Why wasn’t I more understanding?  Or maybe the fits were needed. And they gave me insight into what my dear child was thinking.  I wasn’t the “real” mom.   They’d never say that now.  Then the fits went to pure anger, screaming, freaking out.  But it was what was needed then too.  I can’t picture this child doing it now.  But did I notice when they ended?

The one that got me was the fit recently (note:  in Aug 2012) thrown by another one though.  20 minutes of all out SCREAMING.  I (well, and two other kids) just were THERE.  No one tried to stop it.  That child had NEVER done anything of the sort.  Maybe it was finally *safe* to?  Maybe it was a test?  I don’t know.  I do know that it was handled well.

There are neat things from all sorts of areas where they have learned so much.  Learning academics and eating like humans at the table. Two have been without training wheels for months and the third is ready (third has learned). They need reminders but keep up their rooms and ask for chores.  Two can shower almost independently.

The sweet kids shine through.

You know…we may still have PLENTY to work on.  But in 15 months (now 24), they really grew by leaps and bounds.  They probably were capable of more if I hadn’t messed up so much.  But it is a learning process for ALL of us.  We can all grow together 

Yes, though they drive me batty sometimes and we go through these spurts of craziness, my children are absolutely awesome, progressing so incredibly much.  They amaze me daily.  I am so blessed even on a tough day.

BTW, I do have to tell this story that happened at gymnastics today.  T-lo and Swimmer were playing with a friend’s kids as our girls were doing a tumbling class.  At the end of class, my friend says, “[my daughter] just told me your son bit her.”  WHAT?!?!?!

“[T-lo], come here.  Why did I call you over?”
He answers with some non-sense.
“What is [friend's daughter] going to tell me you did?
“I bit her.”
Incredulous, I ask, “why on earth did you bite her?”
He gives me this look like I should know and says, “I really like the color pink….”
My friend starts CRACKING UP (thankfully she turned away from him).
“Look!  You made Ms. A cry because you bit her daughter!”

I, of course, told him to apologize.  Several times, I asked him why, even at home.  We then talked about how we don’t bite our friends.  Later, we joked about him biting people.  ”Oh yeah, only if they are wearing pink.”  My daughter said, “hey!  I”m wearing pink.”  I told her to watch out

Why?

WARNING: Just letting everyone know that this is a depressing post.  I’ve been crying for hours and…just…

DISCLAIMER: I also want to say that I am not against moms working outside the home though it may look that way in this post.  Please remember that I’m hurting and angry and sad and worried.

So…so though things are really good around here in a lot of ways, Sweet Little M has been on my mind a lot.  Seriously, could ANYONE just forget their precious toddler daughter in less than two months?  Why am I supposed to just move on?  Would anyone else?

Those bluebonnet pics?  A family member was missing.
The fair Saturday?  A family member was missing.
Supper last night?  A family member was missing.
The visit to the dog park yesterday?  A family member was missing.
Going to the Christian Meeting Sunday?  A family member was missing.
Putting the kids to bed?  A family member was missing.

Every single thing we do, a family member is missing.  We use the smaller van these days because without Sweet Little M, we don’t need the big on.  When shopping, I don’t pick up things I got just for her (or primarily for her).  When looking through our area’s “garage sale” on Facebook, I still think about how cute M might look in that or how she would like this.  We got a new puppy.  How M would love Heidi.

And why?

Why?

WHY?

Why is “fictive kin” (for anyone who doesn’t know, that means someone the family knows, not related by blood or adoption; can be distant relatives by marriages or friends of the family or anyone else that has contact with a family member)…why is fictive kin the child and even her biological mother has never met a better placement for a child than the family who absolutely adores her that she has been with since before she could even sit up steady?

We were willing to do an open relationship with the family.  We do it with the other three’s family.  We would have done it with M’s also.  We could have visited this summer.   I already proved I would do texts and calls and skype and pics.  All of that was MY idea AND I followed through.  I wouldn’t have cut them out.  In addition, I would have included the family here in our area also, the grandparents who only gave her up because of a severe health concern who now have lost her altogether as she is across the country.

Why was going to the family she went to better for her?

It wasn’t.  I don’t know ANYONE who thinks it was.  No one believes a child should have five homes in 20 months.  No one believes a child should be passed around.  No one thinks a child should move unnecessarily.  No one thinks a child should leave the only family she really knows as family.  No one thinks she should lose her mama, daddy, and siblings she thought hung the moon.  Anyone who thought about it for a second wouldn’t think it was best for a child with attachment concerns to be taken from her family to a home across the country so she can go to two or three additional caregivers each week (again, not against moms working, but THIS child needed to work on attachment, not spend most of the week, waking hours wise, with several other people).

I have NO doubt that family is often a good placement for a child who can’t go home (or can’t for awhile).  I have NO doubt that sometimes fictive kin can be a good situation.  Why not have a child with someone related to the family in some way if that is a healthy place?

But why can’t ANYONE use their brains about this?

Why did Monkey *really* move?

I know the answer.  It looks good for the state’s statistics.  It was better financially for the state. It got a kid off the caseload.  The people who got her wanted another kid.

But what I’m getting back from the family is that my little girl has struggled.  And pictures, unfortunately, speak a thousand words.  I think it is reasonable to guess that they are sending the best they have.  The little girl they have is not the little girl I had.  I got new pics last night.  I was so sad looking through them.  As I went to bed last night, I looked at the “wall of [M]” as we call it.  The difference in the pics I have of her versus what they have sent of her is NIGHT AND DAY.  She isn’t the same little girl.  There are no huge smiles and obvious personality coming through.  She’s forlorn.  Desperately so.

And I’m here absolutely useless, unable to help her.

I miss my little girl so incredibly much.  I love her and just want her home where she truly belongs. But more than that, I hurt so much for what she has to go through in this process.

I’m sure the people she’s with love her and want her.  I just wish they would have thought about what was best for HER instead of what they wanted.

Bluebonnet Pics 2013

So Friday we took the kids out locally for bluebonnet pictures.  The pictures are great (if I do say so myself); but what I learned about one of my children is even better.  Swimmer was a whole different child this time.  He was natural, fun, silly, enjoyable.  He was easy-going and relaxed.  He looks so much happier.  He is really coming along.  He’s more confident, witty, everything.  I’m sure you won’t get all this from these pictures.  But if you saw the several hundred I went through, I think you might, especially if you could compare the last two sets of pictures we’ve done.

Anyway, so these are of all three kiddos

A few workouts of the week

Sorry I’ve been MIA, but did you notice it became spring outside?  Mostly nice weather and plenty to do!

As I’ve stated before, though I don’t record every work out, I work out four days per week, without fail now.  Wow!  Each time, I realize that this is why I go to the gym.  For example, Monday’s workout was 400m run then 20 burpees, 3 times (was supposed to be 5 times, but I simply am not that cool).  There is NO way I would have finished it at home.  I hurt.  It was hard.  I got worse and worse at it.  I would have just called it a day within the first round at home.  There?  I push myself.  I need the gym, the other people’s support, etc.

On that note, Monday, two women came up to me and gave me compliments!

Other workouts - Tuesday:

Warm-up (3 rounds):

• Samson stretch
• 10 push-ups
• 10 dips
• 10 squat-hops

Work-out:

• Run 400m, THEN
• 30 reps of each: box jumps, pull-ups, over-head squats,
• 20 reps of each: box jumps, pull-ups, over-head squats,
• 10 reps of each: box jumps, pull-ups, over-head squats,
• 5 repsof each: box jumps, pull-ups, over-head squats.

Post Work-Out:

• Row 1000m (my kids ran/walked 800m instead)

Then I came home, showered, and worked Heidi (engagement, basic commands of sit, down, stand, and crawl)

Wednesday: 

CrossFit Warm-Up (3 rounds):

• 10 overhead squats
• 10 dips
• 10 pull-ups
• 10 back ext
• 5 burpees

CrossFit WOD (3 rounds):

• Run 400 (but I rowed the 2nd and 3rd rounds)
• 12 KB Deadlifts
• 21 box jumps

Post-WOD (supposed to be 3 rounds, but I did one):

• I skipped the sit-ups on the back ext machine
• 10 toe-to-bars (but I didn’t get my toes all the way up, of course)
• 20 sit-ups

I also skipped mobility other than the butterfly stretch.

Just in case anyone reading this thinks that maybe I’m being buffalo’d, it has definitely hit me that just because they name it different things, that it is ALL working out 

All while enjoying new jeans during the day.  No longer an 18/20.  Now wearing 14!

Two Years Ago Today

It seems like so long ago, yet not very long ago at the same time.

We moved into this house April 3rd.
We got the call for “the three” on April 6th.
On April 11th, we got a call saying that they wanted to set up delivery of “the three” (we hadn’t known we had been chosen!).
On April 13, 2011, our lives changed forever.

Now, when I got the call for “the three,” it was early in the morning on the 6th.  I had already gotten another call that day and several calls that week.  They were determined to fill up my house, it seemed.  I really thought there was something about this sibling set though.  Basically, I was only told a few things:

• cute, blonde little 2yo
• brother and sister were 3 and 5
• all three had some delays, mostly speech
• the one had a particular behavior many foster families won’t consider
• they did share what a previous foster family did in order to minimize that issue
• one required a pill daily forever more, but was stable
• they were being moved because they foster family kept using inappropriate discipline

Now, anyone who has fostered more than a month (remember, we got licensed March 3rd that same year) probably could see a few places they should have asked a few more questions.  For example, why were all three delayed?  Any diagnoses?  Specialists?  Therapies?  So they’ve had at least 2 foster homes?  Why did the other not work out (story a few posts down, btw)?  I may have asked what behaviors were associated with the inappropriate discipline because though there are people who simply use unacceptable (for fostering) discipline, they usually do so in response to inappropriate or misunderstood behavior.  What was that behavior? What reason were the children in care?  Any other suspected issues?

But they were my second set of kids (though I do have previous experience with foster kids also).

So I got off the phone with my agency worker after the initial call just thinking a lot about these kids.  A few hours later, I had talked to a friend who I thought could help me with the one particular concern’s fix.  I mentioned them several times to my hubby and daughter.  The next day, I figured we hadn’t been chosen; but the kids still didn’t leave my mind.  Were they okay?  What kind of home did they get?  Wonder if they’ll come back up one day.

And they did.  As I said, April 11th, the children’s worker called the agency to see if I could accept the children on the 13th.  My worker confirmed I still even wanted the kids.  I expressed the slightest concern about the one issue, but said we’d work it out.  We were told to put the 2yo in with the 5yo (we had four boys and “the girl” at the time so to even out rooms that is what we did.  In our state, for children under six, you can put opposite gender in the same room).

Anyway, so the 13th came.  We picked up the house, enjoyed the two boys already living here, and waited.  A phone call said they’d be delayed as they had forgotten something so had to turn halfway back to meet someone to get it.  I don’t remember what that was.  So they were going to be a little late.  Okay.  It was a long drive as it was.  The children are from a town about 2½ hours away.

The kids got to the house and my first reaction was that they were so cute.  They were tiny, outgoing, energetic, and precious.  My second thought was that I couldn’t understand a single word any of them said!  Between their speech issues and their accent, we were going to have some difficulty talking with them!  Third thing that came up with the sheer amount of stuff they brought.  The other foster home had decided to close (though the agency had suggested they simply take only one child at a time, one with fewer issues); so they sent all the stuff they had accumulated to foster (table and chair set, outdoor toys, blocks, etc).  We put it all in the garage til I could go through it.

Mostly, at first, they played and watched tv with my other boys while I did paperwork.  My daughter helped “babysit” so I could focus on getting through everything.  It was A LOT.  I found out that the children had been in care a LONG time, with many cases.  I was given previous “common apps” (the paperwork CPS uses to get homes for foster kids), court documents, medical forms, birth certificates, IEPs, etc.  I got names and numbers for CASA, GAL, therapists, doctors, etc.  It was information overload really.   The worker said she’d send more more in email as she found it.

Note to new foster parents:  This is a situation where the state had a LOT more information than they let on in the common app.  They just wanted a home for these kids.  Thankfully, they found a good one that worked out.  But in order to protect yourself, ASK QUESTIONS!  Also, in a situation like this (a foster placement disruption), you could ask to speak to the foster parents, agency, or worker directly to get more information.  

So the PLAN was that a family member would adopt them.  The parents hadn’t seen the children since removal.  There were no visits.  CPS was D*O*N*E with giving services and returning the children.  A case closure in the past was supposed to make it where the kids had never gone back anyway!  So there were family members who wanted the children.  As soon as they were cleared, the kids would move to them.  Cool.  Hopefully another short term placement.  I was thinking short term placements at first might be good for us to get our feet wet.  The boys would be going home “soon” and these three probably wouldn’t be here very long either.

During the rest of the day, I had a lot of learning to do about the children.  It took time to get to understand them.  And the 5yo kept trying to be mom to the boys (wiping noses, asking about diapers, etc).  I kept taking over, but she was determined to take care of them.  She was in charge. That night, Tumbler helped my daughter and I take inventory of all their stuff.  She was too incredibly cute.  That let her brothers play without her hovering for awhile also.

At bedtime, she said something about taking care of the boys and I responded, “How about *I* will be the mama and YOU be the five year old?”  She smiled and turned away to let me do so.  When I put her to bed (she went last as it worked out best in order for me to get each kiddo in with some personal attention), she started talking about checking on her brothers and such.  John, my then 16yo, was in the hallway and asked what was wrong with the boys.  I was sure he wasn’t asking about developmental delays or health issues, so I was a bit stumped.  He says, “well, she says she needs to check on them.”  I told him that at her home (and probably, to some extent, previous foster homes) she had to be mama to them.  And I detailed some of what I had been told.  He got it. How I wish *I* had truly understood what was going to happen regarding all this (let’s just say that she didn’t, later, just smile and let me take over).

Here is a picture from April 17, 2011 (the Memorial for Christ Jesus that year).  To give you an idea how tiny they were….The boys were about to turn 3 and 4 years old (within the month).  The clothing each is wearing is size 12-24month!

Today, in 2013, we did family day.  It just worked out that it was on the 2yr anniversary of their arrival.  It wasn’t really planned that way.  It was a very nice day with presents and a beautiful fruit tart.  At various times, we talked about how much they’ve changed and stayed the same.  We talked about how neat it was for them to be here.  And that two years is a big deal.  We talked about forever family and when they could/might leave (grown, married, have kids of their own).  One said he was staying.  The other said he was leaving as soon as he was grown.  Tumbler thinks married is a good time  As I learned with my first two, plans change.  We’ll just hope for the best regardless.

Tonight we put the kids down for bed.  Two years.  Wow.

BRAG ALERT!!!

My kids are all superstars.  Seriously.  Yes, I’m saying it partially because I’m their mother.  But I’m serious.  They really are.

Where to start?  I guess with today

This morning, we had homeschool gymnastics.  This is Tumbler’s fun class, only done because she wants to.  She and her friend both remembered to wear their start leos which was plus number one in my daughter’s book  During floor work, Tumbler looked pretty strong, her roundoff looking better and she didn’t need the coach’s help during the back handspring. She was so excited about that.

But the best part happened AFTER class.  She and another girl asked to work on the bars rather than play in the ball pits.  Tumbler mostly was hanging on one of the bars while K worked.  K got her back hip circle!!!!  YAY!  Well, but remember this post is about *my daughter!*  So did Tumbler!!!  How cool is that?!?!?!

Last night, Tumbler did her first part during the meeting.  She worked with the elder’s wife and they did a part about the different races and evolution.  She was so incredibly sweet, kept looking up to Sis C, and sounded so cute.  I really liked it because *I* learned something so I know she did.  So proud of her having her first part at the Christian Meeting.  We were then invited out for ice cream.

Okay, so then the boys are doing great also.

T-lo is surprising me like crazy again.  First, his writing is doing *very* well.  I really didn’t think he was ready and wasn’t going to push it.  I figured I would wait another year for Kindergarten anyway (he turns five in May); so no worries.  Well, but now he’s reading a little, writing more than I thought possible, and is a superstar in his own way.

T-lo also has been physically surprising me.  A few weeks ago, he just does the back handspring, no problem.  It isn’t pretty; and I’m sure it isn’t “right.”  But he can do it!   He is also the only one of my kids who can do hanging sit-ups without using his hands and pull-ups.

T-lo is taking swimming, but going to move to gymnastics while we swim the summer away.  Well, Monday was his swim lesson.  He did beautifully!  He told the instructor to move back then did a big jump, after usually having to be pulled in by her!  He rolled over onto his back by himself, could float well, *and* did the elemental backstroke!

Swimmer is obviously in swimming.  His backstroke is amazingly smooth.  He does so well with it.  He also had to do this thing this week where he swam, rolled to back, floated, then rolled to front and swam again, several times.  He did beautifully.  He like diving to the bottom to get rings.

One thing I got excited about with him this week was his writing.  He got really good at “roller coastering” his writing, being smooth, without lifting his pencil, writing neatly.  He also finally got his J facing the correct way.

I can’t forget my big kids.  John is doing well with college.  This week, he finished all his projects (early) for the one course.  He is now doing optional stuff.  That will be good for practice, I think.  He hates the assignments for the other class, but he’s plowing through them.  Kimberly started working recently.  It is hard having my best friend busy every afternoon (she goes to work between 2 and 4 and gets off between 9 and 12).  Of course, I’m glad she’s doing well with it.  She got her first paycheck the other day and paid me the phone bill.  Yippee!

Yep, my kids are all making beautiful progress recently.

OB: What’s a boy to do?

Given: Child better not leave bedroom after being put in there or he’ll be beaten severely.

Given: Child will be beaten severely if he wets on himself, in his bed, etc.

Given: Child has to potty more regularly than most children (ie, he is not going to make it through the night).

So what on earth was he SUPPOSED to do?   Did his first parents ever think of THAT?

I actually remember a situation like this from when I was a child.  My dad was very strict.  Usually, I was able to stay within the standards expected.  But one night when I was four, we went to my grandmother’s home.  My dad had told us not to eat anything over there.  My grandmother, of course, offered us food immediately.  I told her Daddy said no.  She said she’d worry about Daddy, eat.  So now do I disobey Dad or Grandma?  I was stuck.  My brother and I got spankings that night.  30some years later, I still can’t imagine what I was supposed to do.

My son was in a predicament one day. I had started a diet and made a chart of how many servings of X and Y.  I made each kid one also.  Why not?  I remember a checklist as a school assignment in elementary school so it seemed to make sense to teach nutrition (there is controversy about whether this was “good nutrition”).  Well, one of my categories, I had put something like grains: bread, cereal, etc.  There were three boxes next to it.  My son ate cereal for breakfast (this was before we stopped doing that).  Later, I had told the kids to get something for lunch and I had gone upstairs for something.  I came down and J was eating cereal!  What on earth?  Since when do we eat cereal twice in one day?  I fussed at him briefly, sighed, and fixed myself something for lunch.  Later, J comes to me telling me that he doesn’t understand why he “got in trouble” when the chart says cereal and has three boxes.  Poor kid.  He was just confused!  Thankfully, in our home, “we don’t eat cereal twice in a single day” and a frustrated sigh is considered discipline enough (though maybe not my best parenting, go figure).  Thankfully (even more, imo!) my son could come to me later so we could work it out! BTW, yes, I beat myself up over the confusion and fussing at him.

See, my son knew I was reasonable.  He could come to me and we could fix the problem.  And the discipline wasn’t harsh anyway though I apologized of course!  And the issue with my father was not an ongoing thing.  I remember it well since I felt I was wronged, but I didn’t live my life in such turmoil.  But *this child*?  There are several things the children expressed being similar.  They just couldn’t make “good choices” because no choice *was* good enough.  Now, we’re still working with them (8½ months after they last saw their parents…update: 25½ months…) to see that things are different here.  They will not be disciplined harshly; and regardless, we can always work to clarify things because I want it easy for them to not have to be anxious about the boundaries.

CrossFit Progress is AWESOME :)

Okay, so I stopped blogging EVERY workout.  I am going 4 days per week, usually taking off Wednesday or Thursday.  My son doesn’t usually take off a weekday.  My daughter usually takes off Wed or Thurs, the opposite of me.

So this weekend, we cleaned out our storage room (the last foster kids had 16 boxes of stuff CPS told us to “do something with” plus all our own stuff, needing to organize kid clothes before we get another child who probably will need clothing, etc).  While doing so, I found my bathing suit.  Of course, I decided that I needed pics to compare with my last swim suit pics.  The difference was absolutely amazing!  I’m so glad I did that!  One day, I’ll post pics; I just want my “current” pic to be half decent first.

Okay, so this morning’s workout showed me some real progress also:

•  During warm-up, J, the trainer, was so happy we were doing all our pull-ups on the bar.  She didn’t care how many bands it took us to do so!  So my first goal is to get to all 10 without the red band.  Then I’m going to try to drop down to less helpful bands.  It’ll be a long time, I’d guess, til my pull-ups are unassisted.  

• During the WOD, I did some actual box jumps, not just step-ups, also (the first one holding my daughter’s hands “just in case” to get a feel for it).  Pretty cool, huh?  

• Post-workout was 1000m row.  I liked that one because I noticed that I now have my time a FULL minute faster!  The first time I remember trying for was 3min 30 seconds per 500m.  As I rowed, I’d try to stay very close to that.  Now I try to stay under 2min 45sec for 500m.  And I did throughout the row!
  

So progress is good.

I do want to share something to other people who may be obese when they start CrossFit.  I’m not proud of this; but I wish someone would have told me.  However, it is kinda gross, so those of you who have always been decently fit, probably want to stop here and call it a day.

That was your warning.

Stop now if you don’t want or need the “issues of the obese” part of this discussion.

Okay, I’m assuming anyone still reading is duly warned

So one issue with losing weight is the sag of skin, fat rolls, etc.  It just is a fact of life for those of us who are obese.  It can be worked on naturally, but it’ll take time.  In the meantime, we have these “flaps.”  Sometimes, people with “flaps” find that they have more issues such as yeast growth.  For that, apple cider vinegar and coconut oil are good natural ways to take care of it.

But last week, I had an additional issue.  Getting off the back extension machine, I ripped my skin, under “the womanly pooch” in two places.  I had gotten my “flap” caught on it before, but nothing like this.  It was SO bad.  It really hurt.  I used some ointment on it to help it heal; but I really wanted to find some way not to get caught up on it again.  What I ended up doing was using one of those panty tummy tuckers.  A cheapy one from Walmart will work.  Make sure it is a little tight though.  Anyway, that holds the flap closer to your body.  It also makes it more solid so that you can slide on it rather than getting it hung up on things.

Again, I know it isn’t a nice aspect of the situation to talk about.  However, it is my reality and no doubt is the reality of many other obese people as they start to get more fit.  This is just a fix I found.

Another OB (with some commentary): TPR Trial

The following parts were originally written in November 2011, just after my children’s first parents’ TPR trial.  Obviously, things were considerably emotional.  The day of the trial, I wrote:

I am thrilled that the children finally are safe from their biological parents and have a chance for permanency.  I am thrilled that we’ll be able to pursue adoption.

However, today was NOT happy day.  Three beautiful, wonderful, special children lost what could have and should have been their most precious relationship as youngsters.  Two adults lost the relationship with three awesome, lovely, incredible kids.  Today’s decision will allow for some beautiful things to happen; but it also was the culmination of six years of neglect and abuse ending in yet another hurt for these very young children.  We would be kidding ourselves if we didn’t consider the gravity of the situation even though we are excited about the joy that will come from it.

So a couple things happened during the TPR trial that made me  feel good.

The first is that as I was walking off the stand, the children’s caseworker turned to her supervisor and said, “she is amazing.”  Okay, so I got the big head for a moment.  Of course, then I went straight to beating myself up over two things not mentioned, one of which could have opened the door to certain other discussions.  Obviously, it wasn’t a fatal error.

Second – Note to Defense Attorney:  Don’t mess with Mama.

I may not yet be the children’s legal mother, but I most certainly *am* their Mama.  Maybe the defense attorney missed that as he was preparing for this case?  I don’t see how.  Everything I say and do oozes love for these children.

So basically, my testimony was just to say the children are thriving, growing, and developing well since being put in my home.  I put hard numbers to prove the point.  I had clothing sizes, weights, heights, speech (and OT) evals broken down, a list of changed behaviors, a list of new abilities, a list of changed beliefs/feelings/thoughts, a list of new experiences, etc.

The defense attorney gets to me and says dismissively, “okay, [T-lo] has gained under a pound per month and [Swimmer] has gained just over a pound per month?”

Mama Bear was ready 

“Sir, average growth for a 2-9year old child is 4-5 pounds per year.  [T-lo] has gained that much from April 13 to Oct 11th. [Swimmer] *doubled* that in the same six months. That is catch-up growth.”

Mess with me!

So this came about because the caseworker had called and asked me if I could *prove* the children were thriving in my home.  I said I could; but to be honest, I was a little worried about if I really could.  Everyone who has known these kids during those seven months (and in the case of some CPS workers, family members, and the like, it was five years) could see that the children had taken off.  But could I *prove* it in court acceptable ways?  And to be honest, I was also worried of offending anyone while doing it.  Honestly, a LOT of people had dropped the ball in terms of caring for these children.  The court gave them back to their first parents.  So did family after a “case closure” which was supposed to protect them from ever living with their parents again.  Foster parents and caseworkers hadn’t made sure that certain care was given to them. More importantly, these first parents had severely neglected and abused their children. How do I say what all we had done without offending all those who messed up?

But I’m so glad I did the work to show the children really were progressing so beautifully:

 I sat down with their folders (They each have three: one for school, one for history, and one with current case/health related items) and got the FACTS.  I then typed them up.  What I had was gold, hard proof my children were flourishing.  I think this was much more important than being able to put a lawyer in his place.  It allowed ME to see awesome progress.

One lesson that hubby and I learned is something we have to be reminded of many many times since that day in November 2011.  Here is how I wrote it the day after TPR:

Another big thing came from yesterday in Hubby’s and My hearts.  Sometimes 7 months seems like a short time and sometimes it feels like plenty long enough for certain changes in the children.  Yesterday, hubby and I learned why seven months is NOTHING and why it may take us a few years for certain things to happen for our Littles.  Those few years will probably be hard work for us in terms of attachment, teaching, and loving.  We are up for it 

Yes, 7 months was nothing.  15 months wasn’t anything either.  Next week, we’ll be at 24 months.  Some days are still *really* hard.  Some issues come in waves.  Others slap us in the face because things were going so well just before the issue comes up again.  The “power of three” (I’ll write about that another time) drives me batty. Many days I’m scared for them.  Most days there is some hope though.  They’ve come so far.  They may or may not ever fully heal from what their first parents and the system did to them.  But we will be there every step of the way, here to love them, help them, and hope for them.  With God, all things are possible….in this system or the next